Post my long sabbatical in Goa, I felt determined to lead a more ‘balanced’ life after I returned to work in Mumbai. But once again I find myself going from being spontaneous, empathetic, human person to mechanical robot.
After working here for about six years, I suppose I have also imbibed some basic characteristics of the city. One of them lashes out at you the moment you step of a plane, bus or train — aggressiveness. Being aggressive is great for one’s career. The trouble begins when this trait spills over into your personal life too. This trait has often backfired at me and I have even lost friends because this aggressiveness translated to snappy, bordering on obnoxious.
At this point I should mention that I am a features editor by profession. I seem to have this insatiable need to – midway during a conversation with unsuspecting friends or acquaintances — ask them (demand if it’s a very good friend) to translate any fantastic, exquisite travel, food or say, consumer experience into the written word — to be then used in my publication. Some stories materialised. Some didn’t. But sometimes I have pursued such informal exchanges with a vengeance. Some of my friends viewed it as an epidemic.
Often I have felt consumed by a (pathetically) desperate need to achieve. And sometimes I have networked obsessively for work reasons. But somewhere along the line the reasons for pursuing a career in another city turned hazy. Sure, hard work and strategy are essential ingredients for success.
But I realise now, that I don’t want to be driven by success. I’d rather be driven by passion. It keeps things fresh and exciting.
Secondly, in the past there have been phases where I found myself communicating more on e-mail, SMS, chat and real pop than through ‘real conversations’. The old-fashioned kind, where you meet people face-to-face and gauge how they feel, without them having to say anything. Because meanings are in people and not in words, are they not?
In the past close friends have accused me of being ‘spaced out’, whilst in conversation with them, and with good reason. I had every intention of listening to these engaging conversations. But somehow I often ended up being preoccupied with my own problems (real or manufactured) and issues, and not listening enough to what was being said.
So, I decided to untangle myself from this unhealthy web of workaholism. The other day, post leaving office I forced myself to switch off from work — completely. I shared a ‘secular’ tête-à-tête with a friend. No story ideas. Just regular talk about life and its complexities.
A friend later called to ask if I would like to catch the late night show of Guru. Inertia caused me to shoot down this idea at first. Then I changed my mind and attended an entertaining film session with a 10th grader for company, who passed the most amusing comments.
The film wrought with clichéd dialogues, proved good fodder for a voracious debate with the roomie who (most appallingly) loved the film and also felt most inspired to now become an entrepreneur.
The other day I picked up some profound words from an old Michelle Pfeiffer film where the lady plays the role of a frustrated teacher trying to improve the lot of school kids from a ghetto area.
“If you lose your sense of humour, you’ve lost it all.”
That keeps happening to me every now and then when I get too consumed by the daily going-ons of my job.
No more, hopefully. No more.
What a beautifully written post. You have a way with words, dear girl.